What’s bringing me joy this fall
What’s bringing me joy this fall
How the act of naming makes the good even better
Every morning on our way to school, my kids and I say one thing we are grateful for.
Full disclosure: sometimes we forget. But when I remember to prompt them, this act of naming the good things makes them even better. By consciously bringing those good things to mind, we teach our brains to look for the good, and we relive those joyful moments through the remembering.
Because the last month has been a bit intense, an emotional whiplash of sorts,1 I decided to extend this family rhythm here and on the podcast. (This post is a preview for tomorrow’s episode! )
In the spirit of my favorite podcasters and writers (namely Barbara Brown Taylor, Emily P. Freeman, and Kendra Adachi), I am sharing ten things, big or small, that are bringing me joy in this season.
Some are deep, and others are, at least at first glance, trivial, but this collection of what’s bringing me joy adds up to a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts: in a profoundly simple way, these small wonders are saving my life in this season.2
I hope this will inspire you to make your own list and to make time to name and delight in the good things.
No. 1: Reading novels
As someone who writes for a living, reading can feel like work. Also, when I am in the early stages of writing a book, I must be careful with what I read. Even when I am not working on a large-scale writing project, I have been guilty of thinking that reading novels is a waste of time. What is the point of reading if you aren’t going to learn something or make yourself better in some way? (I know, I know; sometimes it is hard being me!) When the NY Times came out with a reader’s choice list of the best books of the 21st century, I decided to read the top 10 books on that list this year. Spoiler alert: this was an easy practice to add because I was already ahead; I had read four of the ten already.
For my first book, I picked up Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch from the library and bought it on Audible. (Having multiple ways to read is a MUST for me.) This book grabbed me by the heart and did not let go. I probably listened to 32 hours of that audiobook in about five days. David Pittu’s narration is magic. And here’s a bonus: reading that book did make me a better writer: the way Tartt “shows” instead of “tells,” her characterization and dialogue make you feel like you know these people from the story—in short, it was a masterpiece. No wonder it won a Nobel Prize.
If you are an artist, whatever art form, remember to consciously be a patron of the arts. Not for the single purpose of seeing and being seen, but to remember what you love about storytelling, music, or visual art. Reading novels for pleasure is a way I connect to my inner maker, a way for me to pursue my inner artist and fill the cup of creative joy.
2. The experimentation lens:
On the book tour, one of the things that’s been resonating the most with people is discussion of lenses. (I am planning a series here on Substack about this one soon!) The Lens Exercise from The Artist’s Joy is one I learned in my coaching training and adapted for artists specifically. It invites you to first find awareness of your current mindset and experiment with different ways of seeing things. Using art to help you name different lenses disarms the inner critic and invites us to show up differently and think of our mindset as more malleable.
Since my kids started school this fall, I have not found my routine. I used to go to the gym in the morning because they have free childcare and the sitter didn’t come until 11:00. Now that Eli is in school three days per week, I feel the urge to take advantage of that morning child-free time and work. That and I’ve been traveling so much that life feels like a carbonated beverage that someone came along and shook up.
Normally, this would trigger my feelings of shame and anxiety, but since I created coaching tools for these exact moments, I decided to use them on myself. And so, in these first months of a new school year schedule, I have been using the Experimentation Lens.
Like a Jackson Pollock painting, I am choosing to see the chaos as an invitation.
Instead of constantly taking my temperature, judging myself, or seeing how I could make something better, I’ve been taking up a posture of experimentation and curiosity. Like a scientist watching my family from behind one of those trick windows, I am here to learn, to experiment. When I look at my life like that, it looks more gentle and less rigid. I’m in a better mood!
3. Bedtime tea
In The Artist’s Joy, in the chapter on Creative Routine, I talk about on and off-ramps: small rituals or routines you can do to invite your inner artist to come out and play or allow yourself to get quiet and slow down. Well, an on-ramp to bedtime lately that has been bringing me joy is my nightly cup of bedtime tea. The box says, “Yogi Bedtime® tea is a comforting and delicious sleep tea blend that combines soothing Passionflower with relaxing Chamomile Flower. Licorice, Cardamom, and Cinnamon add delicious warming flavor to this herbal tea, making it just right for drinking before bedtime. Relax and unwind with a cup of Yogi Bedtime® tea.*”
While mysteriously delicious without honey or sugar, there is nothing magical about this specific tea. It is the practice of making time to transition from day to night, to treat myself to some yummy hydration before I go to bed.
4. Wearing my colors
I have a love-hate relationship with getting dressed every day. It is a chance to express myself, which I usually love. But, even though I’ve worked for a decade to heal my disordered eating, even after having two children and entering my 40s last year with grace and gumption…. getting dressed can still be…well, triggering. It can still feel like a moral failing if things are tight. Even after all this work I’ve done to love my body, dressing her can feel like a landmine.
Enter Lindsey Myers of Created Colorful.
She says about herself, “A former nursing-tank-and-sweatpants-wearing mom who realized that my clothes were making me feel bad about myself—and figured out how to change that. Did I lose weight? Get a makeover? Spend thousands on a new wardrobe? Nope! I didn’t have the money, time, or energy for that. And I wanted to do the work of loving who I had become instead of fighting to get back to the person I was or the body I had before.”
Her business, Created Colorful, offers color analysis and a love-your-closet audio course. I received the former as a Christmas gift from my mom last year, and I LOVED it.
You take sans make-up selfies with different colors up against your skin and send them off to Lindsey and her people, who tell you what colors look best on you. But they don’t just leave you there. They give you shopping guides for popular stores and all different budgets, nail polish colors, jewelry, hair color guidance, and everything else. I am a cool summer.
And listen, I’m shocked at how knowing my colors has taken the stress out of shopping. I feel more confident and spend less money. I donated a lot of clothes that were not my color and that weren’t doing me any favors.
Do I still wear things I love that aren’t my colors? Sure. I’m the boss of me! But consulting with Lindsey and her team really helped me love the body I am in now and enjoy getting dressed again.
I’m such a hype girl for this company that they gave me an affiliate link, so if you want to get your colors done or gift it to someone in your life, use code FOR JOY for $20 off: https://createdcolorful.myshopify.com/discount/FORJOY
5. My earring collection
A few years ago, when we were in Spain, we didn’t have money or space in our suitcases to bring home souvenirs, and one afternoon, browsing in the outdoor market in Sevilla, I noticed these fun, colorful earrings that I just had to have. They were less than 10 euros. Since that day, I have made it a point to buy fun earrings when traveling. You can spend a little or a lot; they don’t take up a lot of space in your suitcase, and they are such a joy for me to open my jewelry box and see the collection, not just of jewelry but of memories from all the places we’ve been.
Most of them aren’t gold or silver. They’re costume jewelry that won’t last long, but to me, they are worth every penny.
So this fall, as I transition from tank tops to sweaters, I am bringing some summer memories into my outfits, and it's bringing me so much joy. I keep alternating the original Spanish earrings that inspired this trend with the newest pair I bought during the book tour this summer in North Carolina.
In Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, she asks something along the lines of, “What does luxury mean to you?” For some people, it’s a penthouse Airbnb or a first-class ticket, but for others, it might just mean a pair of cheap earrings or that pint of organic raspberries. Whatever the simple joys are for you, here’s an invitation to let loose and enjoy them right now, today.
6. Food automation
I didn’t realize how much thinking about groceries and what’s for dinner was stressing me out.
I discovered the Kroger app and have been ordering groceries for pickup since last year. (You drive up, and they come right out and load the groceries into your car. Then, you drive away!)
While I do enjoy wandering around Target or the mall alone with my AirPods in, grocery shopping with two small children does not bring me joy.
Home Chef is another way we’ve been taking some stress out of eating. It is one of those pre-portioned meal delivery services. On Mondays, they mail us a box of 3 meals to our taste (Edwin loves to eat seafood at least once per week, and I love spicy.) While I do have to cook said meals (they’re usually less than 30 minutes), the fact that I do not have to think about what we are having for dinner is a HUGE gift.
Now, is it a little more expensive than if I sat down and meal planned and grocery shopped and cut coupons and pinched pennies? Yes.
But is it less expensive than takeout? You bet.
It also allows us to get way more vegetables and different types of meat. The kids will try it, but they still eat mostly quesadillas or noodles with some mandatory vegetables and fruit on the side. I order what they’ll eat from Kroger pick-up.
We got takeout last Sunday night because we had family in town, and I told Edwin, “This is seriously the first time we’ve ordered takeout since we got Home Chef back at the end of August.” Amazingly, both of these automations help us save money and not waste food.
Can you automate something in your life to reduce the mental clutter? It doesn’t matter if it’s Kroger or Target or Hello Fresh, Blue Apron, etc.— they all have pros and cons. What can you take off your list? (This is not an ad, but I have a code for 18 free meals from Home Chef when you sign up here.)
7. Finding people who can help before I need them
My husband’s schedule (as a Presbyterian minister) is unpredictable. And let’s be honest, so is mine as an oboist, author, speaker, and mother. We do not have family here in Michigan permanently, and for some reason, it has taken me years to learn this lesson: it takes a village to raise a child, and putting forth the effort to find your village before you actually need them is a must.
We have friends who love our kids and have offered to step in and help us out when we need it. I resisted accepting help because I felt guilty, like maybe they didn’t really want to help and were just saying that to be kind. When they offered, I dismissed it out of shame or doubt.
Then Edwin was called to someone’s bedside at the hospital when I had a concert or rehearsal or a workshop to teach, and our two beautiful kiddos were home and needed dinner and someone who knew their bedtime routine. I cannot count how many times in the last three years these last-minute childcare needs have popped up and how stressful it has been.
But what I am learning in this season is that accepting help is not weak. Saying yes to help looks like fostering relationships with people who offer to help before you actually need them to.
For example, our close friends, whose kids Eva and Eli play with a lot, have offered to help in the cracks when we need it. We then make time for regular family playdates with these friends, not only because we like them, but so when the schedule goes awry, and Eli and Eva need somewhere to play for an hour until I get back, I can tap our friends on the shoulder, and they could do the same for me. When I find people who can help before I need them, it makes accepting help easier. It helps me trust that Eva and Eli have somewhere safe and familiar to go.
This list of helpers has grown so much in the last few months. It includes current and old babysitters, some parents of Eva and Eli’s friends, and church grandmas who we trust to help. And by the way, this idea works even if you do not have kids. Maybe you are traveling, and the smoke alarms go off. Maybe you locked yourself out. Who will you call? We all need help.
Are you open to receiving help, and can you broaden your circle to find neighbors and loved ones you trust who you allow to step into your life when you need assistance? To let people in now, even before you need them? You are not an island unto yourself. I know it can be hard to trust people. Go slowly and gently. Be this kind of help for others.3
It brings me joy to find and foster relationships with people I know who can help and for whom I can return the favor before anyone needs anything specific. This way, when we reach out, we know we are not alone.
8. In-person therapy (couple and individual)
I’ve always been a fan of talk therapy. An extrovert and verbal processor, I need some assistance sometimes, spinning out of the anxiety spiral or working through the stresses of just being a human. During COVID, we moved to Michigan, and we lost our beloved marriage counselor, and the same with my therapist. I tried two different counselors on Better Help but didn’t love them. So, earlier this summer, when my book was about to come out, I decided to look around and find someone I could see in person. Then, this fall, Edwin and I decided to do the same for our marriage. Nothing was majorly wrong, but we knew with the pace at which we were living, we wanted to invest in this type of help.
We have both been back in therapy for a few weeks, and I must say, I feel like I am coping so much better. Edwin and I are communicating and getting to process more together. We do an hour weekly, alternating individual therapy and couples therapy, both in person. The in-person element has been huge for me. When I drive 12 minutes, park, put my phone on Do Not Disturb, and sit in the presence of someone who listens deeply, it slows me down.
It is a luxury, I know, to have insurance that covers part of the cost and to have the time in my schedule to prioritize this. Yet, even if you do not have insurance or time, I want to encourage you to find ways to prioritize your mental health. You may have to try out numerous therapists (a little awkward at first, but good therapists get it!), and if your insurance doesn’t cover it, it may take time to find a place with a lower flat rate. I’ve been to spiritual direction and counseling centers that offer help on a sliding scale. Can you find some time to support yourself or your relationship in this way? We are doing it, and it is paying off immensely.
9. My iPhone notes-app lists
Many artists have sketchbooks, writers have ideas notebooks, and I have my notes app on my iPhone. I seriously don’t know what I would do without it. I have a long note that I can check off like it’s a to-do list, and it is just as satisfying as paper (and way easier to keep track of!)
I have a note that includes everyone who could babysit or house-sit. I have a note for my new book where I collect ideas in the middle of the night or in line at the post office.
While I also have a paper journal where I write my morning pages or other meeting notes, etc., the notes app is a low-tech version of a mental filing cabinet for my brain.
I’ve tried To-doist, Monday.com, Trello and a slew of other apps, but none of them worked as well as this free app already on my phone. It is simple and searchable and available on all my devices. That Zoom link? Packing list? Username for that website I always forget? They are all right there on my notes app. The notes are sharable with others who have iPhones, which is pretty much everyone in my family/life, they easily link to your digital calendar, and sync to my computer and iPad. What more could you want?
Maybe you don’t need some fancy new app; maybe you can make what you already have work for you. Maybe joy needn’t be high-tech; what if it was simpler than you think?
10. Realizing there’s joy right here
If you’ve been following along on Instagram in my stories and posts, you know that I am in the midst of a very busy time. My children are 3 and 6, almost 4 and 7. My book came out a few months ago, and I’ve been traveling a lot for what we call “Extended Book Tour,” some stops within driving distance and other multi-day trips away from the family. I’m working on my second book while coaching, performing, and doing everything at home, not to mention managing my chronic fatigue and some big autoimmune flairs. Plus, my husband’s job changed back in August, so he’s working a lot more.
It’s like someone took the controls and knocked us into turbo speed.
Each day can feel like a whirlwind of whack-a-mole where I attempt to handle what gets thrown at me while looking ahead and trying (and failing!) to keep some semblance of order in my home.
The other day, on a particularly busy Saturday, I was in the car, riding in the passenger seat while Edwin drove us to our third event (of six!) that afternoon. I was mentally coordinating a particularly difficult schedule with all the babysitters and packing my suitcase in my head. He pointed to the sky and gasped.
Behind the foreboding dark clouds on one side of the highway was a rainbow.
I realized that sometimes I am stuck so deeply in the past or looking ahead to the future that I forget to be right where I am. I am ashamed to say that even with all my writing about joy, I sometimes forget to enjoy my own life.
At that moment, I decided to name the joyful things, the things that made my heart happy: time with my husband, a Saturday afternoon together, even if it meant attending a memorial service, a going away party, and a friend’s retirement party, plus two or three other things I can’t even remember now, back to back. We were alive and healthy. Our kids were safe and satisfied. I decided to pause for a moment beneath the rainbow to enjoy the moment I was in.
This practice of naming the things that bring joy is a joy in and of itself. It makes gratitude rush in. Practically, it means making lists like these and also pausing to really feel my son in my arms or the autumn wind on my face. It means not waiting until we are less busy or less anxious before we get to be here now. It means stopping to name the joy that is right here, right now.
What is bringing you joy this fall? Tell me in the comments. The act of naming what is joyful is joyful. Will you pause for a moment this week and try it for yourself?
Remember, all the links to the things I mentioned are embedded in the text or here in the footnotes. Some are affiliate links, which means I make a few dollars when you purchase. Others are not affiliate-based. Either way, all the products and services I mentioned today are things I use and love. I hope you’ll try them if they’re right for you.
For the record, we run background checks on all our main babysitters through care.com; I’m not saying trust just anyone, especially with kiddos. Do your due diligence.
On #3, don’t forget the wonderful tea tags of wisdom.